my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
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Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Would you wear it?
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
That eye roll….
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.