wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
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I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Bootstraps
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I WON A HAM TODAY
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.