why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
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[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Awesome parenting 😂
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I WON A HAM TODAY
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.