My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
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My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.