One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
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You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials