Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
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Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
😂💯
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.