mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
You Might Also Like
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Awwwww shit.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.