Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
You Might Also Like
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.