[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
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[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
remember
only for emergencies
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though