The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
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I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.