Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
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Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid