They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
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Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach