Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
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I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
a badder mouse
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.