ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
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To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Me too
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Wasps: bees, but not helping
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.