ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
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indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
“Theirye’re” problem solved
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Me My dog
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]