[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
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embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
🤣🤣🤣
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.