the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
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INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
finally
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.