judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
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It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.