The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
You Might Also Like
That took me a moment.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
When they try to steal your moment.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast