a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
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I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”