I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
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Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
North and South
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.