america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
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[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Start the year as you intend to continue.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Got him!
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
They got Raph!
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire