If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
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Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL