I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
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“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
girls literally only want one thing..
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”