Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
You Might Also Like
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
whenever i wake up before my alarm
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Coffee for people with no kids
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you