So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
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My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!