Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
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In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
So that’s what we looked like?
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
twitter users today:
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.