me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
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Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
I want this so bad
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.