You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
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My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!