Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
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The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.