It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
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You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine