nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
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My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Always…
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN