What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
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Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
The “research” scene in every horror movie
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.