The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
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Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
My blood type is coffee.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.