The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
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There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
this is the greatest thing ever
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
“I wouldn’t.”
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too