Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
You Might Also Like
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo