I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
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[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE