[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
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I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.