If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
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Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Every time my phone rings
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.