CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
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Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?