My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.