I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
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*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
that de-escalated quickly
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Are we there yet?…