Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
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Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.