I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
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*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
This January has 47 Mondays
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.