One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
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Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I put the mess in domestic.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao