Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
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“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.