Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
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He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
SPLOOT
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I’m a self-made hundredaire
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW