When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
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you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.