Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
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I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores