Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
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Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs